An Interview with Oswald “Ozzie” O’Connor


Oswald “Ozzie” O’ Connor has been serving hard time since being arrested for trying to buy marijuana for his cancer stricken father. Charged with 2 felony charges, possession, and possession with intent to sell he now resides in State Prison. In this exclusive interview we are bringing you the reader a glimpse into what drives a man to crime.

What was your childhood like? What was it like growing up O’Connor?

Nothing unusual to report. Indian Guides, Pinewood Derby, some sexual contact with a teenage neighbor who was baby sitting. Once I found a baby Possum near my house. I convinced my mother to help me nurse it back to health. We fed it milk from an eyedropper but ultimately we discovered it had rabies.

What was running through your mind when you were first arrested? Was it a set up or just an honest mistake?

It was a confluence of things. My father told me he had cancer and needed marijuana to treat his side effects. I didn’t know this at the time but his cancer was self diagnosed using google. It turned out he did not have cancer but I didn’t know that at the time. Using an old high school friend’s contacts, I procured 2 ounces of pot. I was pulled over for a traffic violation and the officer found it. The judge thought my father’s cancer story was a lie I was making up. My father was called to testimony denied memory of the whole thing. The judge threw the book at me and the rest is history…or will be after I write my autobiography.

Are you yourself an advocate for the benefits of marijuana?

I don’t know. I suppose. I was in California before I was arrested and I had some medical marijuana there and it freaked the shit out of me. I mean Jesus Christ! In college we would smoke it up and watch Dune. Now you have one hit and it’s like you’re tripping on acid re-evaluating your life with your skin turned inside out. It just goes to show you that Tesla was right — “just because something is better doesn’t mean it’s good.”

Are there any little known things about you that our readers might be surprised to learn?

In 7th grade I visited my friend in Florida. We went to the beach when it was kind of stormy and I was stung on the ass by a man o’ war. It hurt like hell. Its tentacle somehow went right up my crack and stung the hell out of my scrotum and taint. My friend knew that there was some household product that neutralizes the poison but he forgot which product. He poured a bunch of meat tenderizer on the affected area and I can report without a doubt that meat tenderizer is definitely NOT the remedy for man o’ war poison. I later leaned that is ammonia.

Were you surprised to be sentenced to time in state prison? Was that a particularly terrifying experience? Do you think 20 months is a long time to serve for such a mild crime?

Are you serious or are just trying to rile up an inmate like they do on that horrific MSNBC show hoping I will freak out and a bunch of screws with electrified shields will burst into my cell and put me down? Uh duh, yeah I’m surprised, yes it is fucking terrifying, and yes 20 months is a HELL OF A LONG time to be locked down for trying to buy weed for your cancerous dad! On another note, it is weird how time changes in here. I mean I used to have emails in my in box that were 20 months old. But damn in here it’s like a snail on a razor blade. BORING!

Did you find it hard to turn whatever God throws at you into lemonade when you first were incarcerated?

No. I am blessed as a glass half full guy and I know that this is merely an opportunity to learn, grow, and make new friends. I will be a better man because of this experience even if I am shanked and bleed out in a dirty public shower. I am that kitten on the poster in my 5th grade class: “when you are at the end of your rope just tie a know and hang on ’til Friday. Of course I mean a Friday in 2016.


What does it feel like to be stabbed in the neck with a screw driver? Does that sort of puncture wound take longer to heal than your average stab wound?

Well first off it is called a shiv. Oddly I was stabbed by screw driver in 7th grade (another story) and I can tell you I’d prefer a shiv anyday. A screw driver is dull and it takes a lot more force to puncture the skin whereas a shiv is sharp as hell. Since my cellie hit an artery, it’s hard to say how much it hurt as I went into shock almost immediately but overall I would say it hurt like a mother fucker. Treatment for this kind of injury, according to the prison nurse is to put some antibacterial salve on a long q-tip and stick it down the puncture. I think I have a scab starting to form.

What was it like to have to share a cell with Roger? Were you surprised to learn to he had murdered so many people? What do you think drives a man to do such thing? What did that whole ordeal teach you?

Yes I was. My barometer on people outside was: if they present themselves as a kind considerate person then they probably are. The problem with that strategy is that it does not account for severe mental illness. Still, in the end, Roger did not kill all those people because he was a “bad” guy. Obviously he was raised improperly. I’ll tell you — prison is a real opener in terms of whether I ever want to be a parent. Boy you can really screw things up big time. By the way Roger makes an excellent prison wine.

Do you think it’d be fair to say that swallowing your former cellmates stash that resulted in that transfer is one of the highlights of your stay behind bars so far?

Oh my gosh yes. Although I should point out that I also won the prison wide chess tournament. I tell you in all confidence that winning the semis in cell block D was a cake walk. In three of the four games I played I was able to walk my pawn down unscathed and turn it into a queen. I mean… really?! Come on guys! There was talk of a t-shirt as a first place prize but it never appeared. I think someone must have pocketed it. It’s not easy running an organized event in a building populated with criminals. Jeez.

Do you think inmates and those who work in the prison system seem a little closed minded when it comes to discussing political issues?

Oh lord yes. I’ve discussed the failure of “No Child Left Behind” until I am blue in the face and none of my prison compatriots seem to give a crap. Believe me, if the schools they attended spent a little more time on project based educational activities instead of all the wasted time teaching to the standardized tests we would probably have a lot fewer heads chopped off at the necks by my friends. Know what I’m saying?

What ever became of the PeePee and Ozzie gang project?

Sadly we were both unsuccessful in joining a gang, which is a HUGE problem in prison. We tried to fit in with the transvestite group but they felt strongly that we just didn’t have the required tools to be one of the team. Pee Pee has some Hawaiian blood in his genealogy so we approached the Asian Triads but our nunchuck training was a complete failure. In the end we formed our own gang. We named it “The Falcons” but it didn’t really seem to stick in the yard. Most people refer to our gang as “The Losers” or “The Punks We Beat the Crap Out of When We Feel Like it.”

Were you surprised he didn’t come to your aid during that beatdown in the yard?

Look let’s not kid each other. If he had joined in then we would have had two people in traction in the hospital wing for two months instead of one. I mean have you seen him? He’s not the smartest thing on the block. I once saw him trying to make a shiv out of a bread stick in the cafeteria for a half hour before he realized it would probably be better to try a different material. The first time I met Pee-Pee he was hanging from his underwear on a hook in the shower. I helped him down only to discover his privates were coated with Nair. Hilarious, right?


After your last experience with drug trials would you ever consider that again? Was it a little scary to have to walk around in such a state considering you are in prison? How long did you have to deal with all of that?

Who would have thunk a quick punch to the crotch would alleviate an erection problem? I certainly wouldn’t but I owe a great deal of thanks to the nurse who took it upon herself to treat a very serious problem. I mean all of those ED (erectile dysfunction) drugs say that if you have an erection for more for four hours you should get treatment immediately. Mine was approaching the 16 hour mark and believe me I tried EVERYTHING to handle it myself. I never thought I would get tired of masturbation but I’m not sure if I will ever make love to myself again. As to participating in a drug trial again — the answer is yes. In fact I am participating in one right now where I race a mouse through a maze. It’s a little intimidating to have your butt kicked by mouse but at the end of the maze I push a lever and get a treat so that’s nice.

Does having a pen pal while jailed help pass the time?

Oh my yes. I mean this is jail and no one has anything to do. As in nothing. We sit and look at each other. I try to make use of my time by scheduling my day. I find that it makes me feel more productive. at 6 a.m every morning I do my Tai Chi until El Rey hurts me in some way. Then, from 7:15-7:30 I look out the bars until the breakfast gruel arrives. Anyway you get the idea. I try to stay busy busy busy in order to pass the time. Writing back my creepy prison pen pals helps a lot. Man some of those people are weird. I sometimes feel safer being on the inside with people like that running around out there.

How has your time behind bars changed you most as an individual?

Oddly I think I’ve become a lot more social. Without 24 hour access to Facebook and the twitter, I find that I need to seek out interaction with others. At home I could stay in bed in my underwear posting controversial things on my facebook page but here I actually have to make friends with real people! It’s a win-win situation unless you consider that they are all trying to rape or kill you.

Did you find Anger Management classes to be an asset? Do you develop a lot of anger when being locked up as you are?

Absolutely! I thought Mr. Housh did an amazing job! The skills he provided were and are extremely helpful to me. The proof is in the pudding too — other than a guard, I have not shived anyone in quite a while. And I know I have Mr. Housh to thank for this. Unfortunately, like most of history’s greatest teachers, our teacher could not heal (or rather teach) himself. His students were like leeches stuck to his calf and, because of our natural anesthetic we developed over eons of evolution (leaches are really amazing creatures) he never felt us attach to his calf when he walked through the stagnant pond. We just sucked him dry until he had no more to give and… well, let’s be honest — he lost his shit. Poor, poor crazy Mr. Housh.

Was it nice to run into someone you had known since childhood? Did Francis’ personality back then ever hint at his murderous temperament?

Well it’s hard to look back in time through neutral contact lenses, you know what I mean? It would be great if I could swap out these old lenses of mine with fresh ones but sadly I have a very bad stigmatism when it comes to my temporal sight. I am also very lazy and it is highly probably that I have not been as diligent with my cleaning as I should be. Chances are VERY good that I have an amoeba floating around my eyeball just eating away at my cornea. Hell I would be surprised if I lost my sight entirely when it comes to looking back in time.

How has prison affected your self esteem? Do you think the other inmates are overly judgmental?

We are simply bacterium in a petri dish over heat and it ain’t pretty. Do you remember Biosphere 2? It was a group of people who agreed to live under a dome for two years with no outsiders. And it did not go well. At first they were all sleeping together and having a good ole time but ultimately they broke up into two factions and man they hated each others guts. I understand that they are still not talking to each other. That’s what prison is like. It’s basically Big Brother but the contestants are all felons. In short, no it has not been good for my self-esteem. Not one bit. BUT that’s what positive affirmations are for. Thank God for Tony Robbins.


Would you say Art is a little too free with the taser ?

I hate to say it, but if I am being truly honest with myself, my answer is no. I mean a taser is for tazing right? I believe it was Socrates (which we all know was really Plato) who said every object needs to reach its potential right? If that is true (and you aren’t going to get this inmate to argue with Plato) then a taser is most taser-like when it is actually tazing. In fact, one might argue that a taser is not even a taser if it is not tazing. I mean which is more of a taser — a taser that sits in Art’s belt or a rock? Neither are tazing someone right? Nobody likes being tazed but it does help to know that the taser is reaching it’s true potential. But man it hurts like a motherfucker.

What advice would you give to others who find themselves incarcerated for an extended amount of time?

Skip bail and run. Run with the wind. Go to Canada. Sure everybody up there is way too earnest and boring but I hear you don’t have to lock your doors which is nice. I would recomend that you NOT go to Montreal. I went there on a conference once and everyone speaks french which is annoying. On the plus side though EVERYONE in Montreal is hot. Seriously. They’re like models.

If you don’t jump bail then I recommend you become someone’s bitch.

Do think trying to escape on your last day was a bad decision, or was it a bad reaction to the alcohol?

I’m very taoist when it comes to my take on that day. What is bad or good? I mean really? For example one might think it “good” to win the lottery but we’ve seen what happens. Everybody and their cousin calls you up looking for a loan. Then you end up at the end of the year and the taxman calls asking for his. You forgot to set that money aside and now you’re broke again. So to some — ripping the heart out of a guard with my bare hands and then taking a bite out of it before escaping into the sewer when I only had a few months of time left might seem like a “bad” decision, I prefer to view it with neutral eyes. I simple observe the situation through my 3rd eye. It happened. Period.

What does a human heart taste like?

It’s hard to remember stuff that happens during a psychotic break brought on by prison wine containing pre-poop. To be honest ripping the guard’s heart out barehanded and then biting it is a bit of a blur. I mean if it wasn’t a blur and I was totally aware of it that would be a littler creep right? However if your are going to hold my feet to the fire, I would say it tastes like chicken. Raw chicken though. Sushi grade.

How did things change after your attempted jailbreak?

It wasn’t pretty. Have you ever spent much time in sewage? Staph infections are the LEAST of your problems, believe me. After trudging my way through that much poo I have newfound respect for plumbers. Anyone who spends that much time in poo SHOULD get paid more than teachers, know what I mean? Think about it — which would your rather have: stupid kids or poo everywhere?

What do you think you will be getting released soon? What do you most look forward to then?

Huh? Um, just so you know, when you freak out on prison wine, pull a heart out of guard’s chest and try to escape through the prison’s poo river, they generally frown on that sort of thing. Right now I’m looking at a loooooong time. Remember when you were kid and how in July you would be thinking about what Santa Clause would be bringing you for Christmas? What’s that you say? You never thought about Christmas in July because it was just too fucking far away? Yeah well that’s kinda how I think about what I will do when I get out of prison. Only times a quatrillion. Although if you twist my arm I would have to say I would probably masturbate by myself to all the great free porn I hear is out there thanks to this incredible invention we call the intrawebs.

Anything else you’d like to say before you go?

Crime doesn’t pay but that doesn’t mean that everyone in prison is a douche. A lot of us are really nice guys.


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2 thoughts on “An Interview with Oswald “Ozzie” O’Connor

  1. John Lehr says:

    Thanks so much for this Tina. You are amazing!!

  2. Tina Ayres says:

    Any time John! Thank you for doing what you do…

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