An Interview with Wanda

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Wanda is best known as the salt of the earth whore who works so many long hours at the Great Bend Saloon. She is not prone to niceties and doesn’t mind speaking her mind. She fits in well with the men of the town with her direct manner and general lack of disregard for what the world thinks.

What did you dream of becoming when you were a little girl?

I wanted to be a shoemaker because I didn’t have any shoes. I started making my own shoes with old newspaper. If I was ever stuck in an outhouse without something to wipe with, I’d use my shoe. Win win for me, although my invention never took off.

When did you first learn to play the piano? Is music often a welcome escape when dealing with life in Great Bend?

I never really knew how to play that well til’ Hoyle came to town and started frequenting Honey’s boudoir. I couldn’t bear Hoyle’s sobbing post coital so I’d start tickling the crap outta those ivories to muffle his lady-like sobs. Now I’m the best pianist Great Bends got.

You were rather upset when the Temperance movement hit Great Bend. Do you find it strange that people don’t realize how much alcohol helps in your line of work?

Don’t be an ass. “Rather upset” is an understatement. I’m Great Bends go-to painted lady when it comes to fornicating outside the box. There’s some twisted Johns that come from far away towns just to lay with me. But mainly, I’d say alcohol helps me cope with the frequent pulled muscles I get from bouncing around on whatever my clients point to.

You seem a little more down to earth than the rest of the girls at the saloon. Why do you think that is?

Because I don’t give a shit. Unless I’m out of whiskey, then I give a big shit.

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Did you feel a little slighted when Honey asked Pearl to take over the business instead of you?

Nah. Pearl’s just the pretty face that leads the pigs to the troth. I’m the goods the pigs eat up from that troth, so…Pearl can suck an egg.

Do the girls working the saloon get in arguments a lot or do you all generally get along well?

Us alley cats bicker back and forth from time to time but for the most part we all love each other. But we don’t love each other on the mouth.

Was it upsetting to lose your tooth on that steam powered vibrator? Did that make you somewhat wary of machines?

I was deep in the barrel when it happened so I didn’t feel a thing. But that’s war, man. I lost my tooth that day but I sure as hell didn’t loose my pride. I’m not afraid of any machines! I’ll go head to head or coot to crack with any machine any day!

Was it particularly hard to get over crouch rot? What do you think is the best way to deal with a situation such as that?

I’m used to it now. Just like pinnin’ your garments up to dry, you gotta do that with your lady parts now and then. I suggest ditching your bloomers so the air has easy access to your dame.

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Is there anything particular about yourself that your friends and clients might be surprised to learn?

I’m not in the mood to share today, so kindly piss off. Fine, I’m colorblind and I have no sense of smell. Happy?

What do you hope to be doing years from now when you are old and grey?

The way I’m living I only got…five good years left in me, but if I’m still breathing God’s good air when I sprout my first grey hair, I imagine I’ll have saved up enough to run a dog and whiskey farm.

What do you think is the key to a life well lived?

Make every day a party day.

What advice would you like to leave our readers in closing?

Firstly, just because they can read doesn’t mean they’re better than me. Second, life is gonna throw lots of horse shit your way… don’t hide from it. Run into that shit head on then ask life if that’s all it’s got. Take risks. Drink while you take them. It’s more fun.

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2 thoughts on “An Interview with Wanda

  1. judiwth says:

    Wanda is my personal heroine of all time.

    • judiwth says:

      Also, I do not know the source of the photo included with your fine interview, but I cannot get over the similarity between it and that famous Degas painting of an actress, l’absinthe. Side by side…amazing.

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